Love and Kismet

by allisoncoyle

Is falling in love a conscious decision? Do we have a say in the matter, or are we victims of kismet?

I’m twenty years old, and I’ve never dated. For the first nineteen years of my life, I avoided dating and relationships like a plague, for various reasons. While I by and large felt happy with my choice to evade this particular branch of life, I was not immune to the occasional pang of loneliness.

Shortly after turning twenty, I met someone who managed to melt the chilly disposition in my heart. I worked with him for five months, and in that short time, I became an entirely different person, in a way I never believed possible.

Raised by missionaries, Jason exuded an ethereal quality. He had a smile that could light up the darkest of rooms. He made me want to be a better person.

While I hadn’t noticed any particular changes in myself, my friends began to comment on how much happier I suddenly seemed. An intern who I had worked with at the time remarked one day that while she couldn’t imagine herself having a child at this age, she thought I would make an extraordinary mother because I was so nurturing and caring.

Me? Nurturing and caring??? Those were two adjectives that had never been used in concordance with my name.

I was convinced that Jason was my soul-mate. People always say, “You know when you know.” And I knew.

After experiencing heartbreaking and excruciating rejection, I felt abandoned. I felt lost. It took me twenty years to fall in love, and my heart was broken for the first time. My very being was in shambles. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. Was it okay to love someone who didn’t love me? When would the pain subside? Would I ever meet someone like him again?

The next month was the most painful month of my life. I clung to my phone, waiting and hoping that he might call. But he never did.

It is true, on some level, that times heals the pain. But it certainly doesn’t extinguish it.

After nearly five months, I’m beginning to see love and destiny in a new light. While I still find myself stumbling and making the same mistakes, I’m coming to terms with the fact that not everyone we fall in love with must be “The One.” While I still catch myself thinking about Jason from time and time and wondering what could have been, I’m realizing that there are many things left ahead for me to accomplish before I settle down.

Try as I may to not get my hopes up, I still find myself feeling somewhat left out of this societal experience. Now that I’m ready to step forward with this chapter of my life, it feels as though my timing may not be in tune with God’s timing. While patience is not my strong-suit, I must remind myself that something wonderful is just around the bend.

You can’t rush destiny. Especially in matters of the heart.

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